Thursday, December 30, 2010


My other super exciting adventure began when my mom and I were offered the opportunity to go visit my uncle Greg, my aunt Angela, and my 18 month old [at the time] cousin in Dubai in April.
You're probably wondering what the heck they're doing in Dubai or even where the heck Dubai is.
My uncle is a fire protection engineer and was
offered the opportunity to move to Dubai and be the boss of his company's branch out there. They were ecstatic and accepted. Dubai is in the United Arab Emirates, which neighbors Saudi Arabia.
So my mom and I were super duper excited to get
the chance to go visit her brother and his wife!
My mom was kind of nervous to have me fly, but we were reassured by the doctor that I was perfectly fine t
o go.
So we packed up and headed off for our 12 hour flight to Moscow, Russia and then another 4 hour flight from Moscow to Dubai. It was a pretty good flight; I got to catch up on my sleep! Lol!
I was so excited to see everyone when we arri
ved, since it'd been a while since they had last visited. I was also nervous, however, since they didn't know about my pregnancy. It wasn't that obvious since I wasn't showing too much, but I guess enough that they figured it out. They were so supportive, though, and had great advice for me. They reassured me that whatever decision I made, I would definitely be supported and loved.
The trip was so much fun! We got to see so many different things, and it was such an awesome experience! Now, time for p
ictures! :]
Mom and I. Behind us is the Burj Al Arab.
Me in front of some pretty mosque :D
Me in front of water thats infront of the Burj Khalifa[tallest building in the world. It's pretty dang tall. :)] You can even see a fragment of a baby bump! :]
Me and Connor :]]
Me, my mom, and Connor on Uncle Greg's friend's boat! :D

Mom&I at the Grand Mosque :]

My uncle did convince me, though, that maybe adoption was the best. They even offered to adopt the baby! I was sort of overwhelmed, and wasn't really sure since I still didn't even know whether I wanted to parent or place yet. And, I still had to talk to CJ. Even though everyone left the decision up to me, I didn't feel right not talking to CJ first. Yes, I was carrying the child and the decision was ultimately up to me, but he was still her father and he would be a major roll in the situation as well. After long thought and prayer, we decided that placing with Greg and Angela was not the right thing for us. They are awesome people and we love them to death, but we didn't want to place into the family and we wanted our daughter a lot closer to us.
I was sad when it came time to leave. It came by so quickly, but it was such a relaxing vacation; I really didn't want to go back to school. I was, however, super duper excited to get home and see CJ :]

Sunday, December 26, 2010


The next few weeks kind of stunk because I hardly got to see CJ. Of course I saw him at school, and it helped that we had two classes together, but he had just joined the baseball team at school, so he always had practice after school, and my dad was still really mad at him, so he never came over. I was kind of bummed, cause when I needed him the most, it felt like I had him the least.
I did have two big events to look forward to, though. During my 18th week of pregnancy[March 17th, to be exact], we set a date for my ultrasound! I was of course bummed CJ couldn't be there, since he had baseball practice, but I was still really excited. I finally got to see this little baby in my tummy. We weren't quite sure if we wanted to find out the gender or not, so we didn't right then. They did tell us, though, that they had it on file and if we wanted to know, we could always call. I was so excited and it helped that we didn't have to wait long, especially since they make you drink a TON of water before the ultrasound [which is actually kinda bogus, cause I only drank like, half a bottle my second ultrasound and it was just as good as the first one]. I was so nervous when the monitor popped up, and I couldn't tell what the heck it was. The baby wasn't moving very much, so the ultrasound tech [who was SO SO nice, not at all like the meanie on Juno :)] took all the measurements of the baby's head and feet and checked for 10 fingers, 10 toes [all present, thank goodness!]. Finally the baby started to move and we got the most perfect picture ever.

I thought my child was absolutely perfect [but who doesn't thin that about their kids?(:] and looked so much like CJ![she does in the ultrasound anyway!!(:] Of course my mom cried, but when doesn't she? :] It was absolutely amazing.
I absolutely could not wait to find out the gender of this baby [since I was tired of saying "it" or "the baby"], my mom called the doctor's office and left a message. While we were waiting for the plastic surgeon at another appointment [I had to have a "possibly dangerous" growth removed from my forehead.], they called back, and my mom let it go to voicemail. OH MY GOSH! I was soo excited! For some reason, I was absolutely convinced that this baby was a boy. Don't ask me why. Maybe its cause I like blue better than pink. Who knows. But I was wrong cause this baby was.... A GIRL!

Back and Forth

My mom took my to my first doctor's appointment in the middle of February and I found out that I was fourteen weeks pregnant! I was so excited when they told me that you could get an ultrasound at 17 weeks! I wanted to see this baby so badly!! They sent me home with this bag FULL of stuff. Preparing to be a mom journal or whatever, pregnancy magazines, trial sizes of diapers and formula, coupons, and, well, you get the picture.

However, as the next few weeks, months, whatever, went b
y, I felt my oh-so-sure decision wavering.
As I starting looking up cribs and changing tables and all the other things a baby needs, I realized how expensive it was, making me realize how little money we really had. I still really did want to parent, though, and getting all that stuff from the doctors made me want to even more. I knew I could do it. And it really helped that Tiffany[CJ's mom] and my mom were so supportive of any decision we were to make.
I looked up online and home schools, picked out my favorite boy and girl names, and constantly compared prices on must-have baby items. I was determined to be the mother of my child, no matter what it took.

My mom and I made an appointment to go to LDS fa
mily services to help with the decision making process, though. I was kind of nervous, but also kind of excited.
We arrived at the LDS family services office [after getting
lost because stupid google maps gave us wrong directions >:(] and were greeted by a tall, pretty, blonde lady who introduced herself as Sharri. She took us into her office and we explained our situation. Sharri was so nice and so supportive. She basically explained that they could not make the decision for me [darn. :P] but that I would be absolutely 100% supported by either decision I made. It was a good hour, though, and it was definitely a really amazing, spiritual place that i would find myself every week for the next ten months[Wow, ten months? Has it already been that long??].

My mom and I were both afraid to tell my Dad. Neither of u
s really knew how he would react, but I kept busy with school and a sock hop/musical thing the young men&young women in my ward were putting on. No one else really knew either. Mostly just some family and our bishops.
The sock hop was sooo fun!! Sister Nutter in my ward directed, cast, everything for the whole thing and it actually turned out really good! W
e got to dress like we were in the 50's and danced, and sang, and then we all had to serve food to everyone [okay that really wasn't that much fun since some people were actually really rude and I really really wanted to yell at them and cry(hormones? :])].
But anyway, let me share the magical moments[hah] through pictures.

It looks like a mess, but it really was organized :]

All the girls :]"Watching T.V." :]

So the play was fun, but the night was not. Long story short, since I really do not want to go into detail of the night, many people found out about my pregnancy that night. Including my dad, who must have had a few drinks before we left, and, lets just say, CJ was lucky Brother Bronson was there. End of story. :]
But that night also made me wonder if my house was a fit environment for my child to grow up in. I guess I had I turned out alright, but would I want my baby to grow up like I had? In the midst of constant arguing, knowing there were money problems, and living with an alcoholic? I wasn't so sure, and I had a plan for everything, though, including going over to CJ's when things weren't so good at my house. I wanted to be prepared. But every night, I still looked at those adoptive couples' profiles, and every night, I still found nothing.

Saturday, December 4, 2010


Struggle. I think struggle is one of the best words to describe teenage pregnancy.
The first struggle is coming to terms with everything. When you first find out, you're in a haze. It feels like a dream. Then, it hits you. This is really happening.

I was excited. There was this baby. Inside of me. And it was mine. I get to buy clothes and furniture. This would make everything better. This would bring everyone closer together. This would fix things. So I thought.

Then I was nervous. How do I provide for it? I have no job, and even though I am in an amazing relationship and CJ is so supportive, we're not married. He has no job. We both come from semi-broken families. His more physically and mine more emotionally.[If you know what I mean]. Where would we live? Were not out of high school. How do I go through two more years of school and raise a child? There was no way possible that I would leave my child in day care for some one else to raise. And I was nervous to tell my mom. But I did. (Before seminary :])

And then, I was overwhelmed. How do I figure all this out? How do I tell my mom? Will she be mad? Maybe. Will she be upset? Probably. Will she be disappointed? Definitely.

And then, there was a decision.

At the very very beginning, when we pretty much knew but hadn't found out for sure, there was the brief thought of abortion. I got the feeling it wasn't what I had to do, but, as I do with everything, I researched it. I immediately knew it was wrong that this child wouldn't even have a chance at life. This was happening to me for a reason. As my child grew and become stronger, I too would grow and become stronger. Aborting my child would be like slapping Heavenly Father in the face. Because he decided that that child would come to the earth and that it was up to me to get it here. Aborting would just be sending it back. It is knowing you've done wrong and not dealing with it. It is murder. And I refused to be a murderer.
So, obviously, abortion was out of the picture.

And then, there was the thought of adoption. I, again, researched and found that the church had its own adoption agency and everything. I looked at the couples, but I felt that I couldn't do it. That I wasn't strong enough. That I didn't need to. One thing that stood out to me about adoption was that a child deserves to have both a mother and a father. Well, my child would have a mother and a father, thank you very much, and even though we wouldn't be married, eventually we would get married. I guess you could say that I was kind of.. bitter maybe? about adoption. Because this baby was mine and I wanted to raise it. No matter what I had to do to make that happen.

I had decided that I wanted to be the parent of my child no matter whatever struggle I had to go through.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The P Word.

So, I bet you noticed that I skipped about a year.
Well, to be honest, not much happened in t
hat year. It was actually pretty boring, beside the fact that CJ and my relationship was amazing to say the least. :]
So amazing [however] that in December of 2009, I was scared to death of that p word.
No, not poop.
I was pretty dang positive that I was pregnant,
but I was too scared to find out. I had all the symptoms, though. Skipped time o' the month, morning sickness, everything. But, I still didn't want to get a pregnancy test. Maybe for the fear that, if I wasn't pregnant, then what the heck was wrong with me?
But I knew it.
However, I wanted to finish out the rest of cheer season [Basketball season] and then I would find out for sure. So I cheered the rest
of season, until the beginning of February, right before my 16th birthday.
Autum, Lexis, and I had been planning an amaz
ing fantastical Sweet Sixteen Party for a while since Lexis's birthday is in December and mine and Autum's are in February. And it was amazing and fantastical. :] It was a formal masquerade party so everyone had to come dressed nicely and they would get a mask when they arrived. It was held at a location that my dad's company uses a lot [He is a pro party planner :)] and we decorated it amazingly. Anyway, I'll just share pictures, but it was prettier than the pictures make it look :]
And so, what is a birthday party without cake? Cake with a picture of us when we were nine :]And our moms, being the weirdos that they are insisted that we
cut our cake together.
Awwww :] So cute :]
But us, being the weirdos that we are, okay mostly just Autum ;], had to ruin it by crossing each other's names out, decapitating each other, and stabbing one another in the head :] Can't you tell how much we love each other? ;]]And this, Ladies and gents, was the end product of our madness :] Not to mention complete and total hilarity :]
I think you can figure out what were like just by looking a
t our cake :]

However, by 10 I was exhausted, another unusual, but I ignored it.
That weekend, though, was 3 days long and CJ and I had decided that we would go to the mall together, which conveniently had a Target inside of it, and find out for sure.
We got to target and to say that we tried to put it off as
long as possible is an understatement. We stared at band-aids for 30 minutes. Okay, maybe that was just me because CJ [probably frustrated with my dilly-dallying, I would be :P] picked a test up, paid for it, and gave it to me.
I took the test, waited the recommended time and read it.
"That little pink plus sign is so unholy."

Friday, October 29, 2010

September and October of 2008

On September 14, 2008, I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It was so amazing to be baptized, its completely indescribable. I remember it so well, but at the same time its hazy so ill just share pictures instead :]]
Can't find any more. Hahaha,but that one's good enough don't you think?
Elder 'Ofa, me, and Elder Vargas :]
Oh, and another coinki-dink about CJ and I- his best friend and I were pretty good friends at the time, and I invited him to my baptism. Welll, he invited CJ to my baptism, howeverrr, CJ was busy :[

Another however, at the dance which I believe was the Saturday after my baptism, I was walking out of the cultural hall to convince Dayna Paul :] to come to the dance when all of a sudden I hear a voice[a very rude one at that(;] say "GET OFF YOUR PHONE". So naturally I look around and there is CJ. Staring right at me. "What?" I said back [Just as rude I imagine(;]. "You're always on your phone!" he said. [Probably even ruder than before!] "Uhmmm.. okay?? I don't even know you..." I say as I kind of awkwardly walk away. (The moment CJ and I met. Probably not as romantic as everyone probably imagined it would be, but come on, its CJ and I, did you really expect mushy-gushy from us? :]])
So later at the dance, I was hanging out with my friend Evan Price :] and who so happens to be hanging out with Evan also, but CJ! [bet you didn't see that one coming(:] So I guess we talked or whatever and then a slow song came on and Evan went to chase down some girl he wanted to dance with and so were all just kind of standing there, so I asked CJ to dance, since he's a weenie and wouldn't ask me ;] Haha, just kidding. But I really did ask him :] (First move-made by me(; Tease CJ about it when you get the chance ;)] So we danced and it was fun and we talked and I don't remember what we said and that was that. But after the dance, when I was home, being the creepy stalker I am ;], I decided to look CJ up on MySpace and surprise surprise, I find him!!
However, he hid his friend request button! [I cannot believe I remember all this.(:] So I got on my phone, looked him up on myspace on my phone internet and friend requested him. And so he added me and, being the stalker that I am, I messaged him. And so we talked and it was cool, and again, being the stalker that I am, I asked for his phone number. :] (Oh yes, yet another first move made by me ;]) So I got his number and we texted and whatever, and obviously, we started really liking each other. :]
I was to go to Japan though for 2 weeks, and I couldn't bring my phone. Tragic, I know ;] But we did make plans to meet up when I came back at the football game between my school and his school, and then Knott's Halloween Haunt the next day. I think I was more excited for that than a candy-crazed kid is for Halloween ;]
So, we went to the game which was fun :]
And we went to Haunt which was awesome even though I am a total baby and won't go through mazes :]
October 19, 2008 is when everything began♥

Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Insanely Eventful Summer of 2008

So in eighth grade I started going to church and activities more and more. I remember one activity in particular, a stake activity, where I saw him again. I was amazed I still recognized him, but I did. We still didn't talk, but I still got butterflies in my stomach when I saw him. I felt pretty darn ridiculous.

A few weeks [maybe a month? my memory fails to remember exactly :P] later, I was standing in Lexis's kitchen "holding up the counter" [as the Hickens like to joke :P], when Scott, Lexis's dad, asked me if I was going on the trek in June. Trek? What the heck was that? It was that year's youth conference, which is a big stake activity that usually lasts overnight [this one lasted 3 days and 2 nights] and is always A LOT of fun. The trek was basically us dressing up in pio
neer outfits [girls with the long dresses, bloomers, long socks, and bonnets, boys with the pants, long sleeves, and some even had hats] and we had to pull hand carts that looked just like that picture [actually that is our cart :D] filled with our stuff, in the hot hot heat of the mountains in June. Of course, I don't think Scott actually told me all this. I think he pretty much said that it would be a fun activity and it lasts a few days and it'll be really fun, so I said yeah of course. :] But it was, of course, soo much fun. One of the best times I'd ever had. Also, he was there. :] Yes, pretty darn unbelievable how big of a crush I had on this kid STILL.

At the beginning of June, Autum and Fayth asked the missionaries [Elder Fuches and Elder Vargas] if they would come to the Hicken home to give me the lessons. I was a little nervous at first, especially since I hadn't talked to my mom about it AT ALL and I really hadn't thought about actually joining the church and being baptized, but I just went with the flow. My mom even came. I can't say I remember too much about that lesson, though. All i remember is that it was on the Atonement [at least, I'm pretty sure it was, I have an awful memory for little details :)] and I was a little confused.

After that lesson, we had TONS going on. We had the trek, and then Lexis was coming with us to my grandparents house in Maryland for 2 weeks. We had the BEST TIME EVER! Seriously, it was awesome :]

While we were in Maryland, we got a text from Leah saying that Elder Fuches was being transferred. I was sooo confused since I didn't know that missionaries move stakes and wards and cities and what not. I was kinda worried cause Elder Fuches was really cool and I was afraid we would get a missionary who was not as cool. But we still had Elder Vargas who was awesome! But, we got another AMAZING missionary, Elder 'Ofa. He was seriously the best missionary ever. :]

We came back and had another transfer and got another amazing missionary, Elder Choi. He was so cool! :] He taught us how to write our names in Korean!! And made us Korean Food! :D

We had more lessons and one night the missionaries asked my mom and I if we would be baptized. I knew everything I had been taught was true and I really had prayed about it and felt the spirit and I just knew that it was something I had to do. Especially since I so badly want to be sealed in the temple and go to the Celestial Kingdom and live with my family forever. However, my mom didn't decide to be baptized. She needed more time to think it over and pray. Everyone totally respected it. But inside, I was kind of sad. I love my mom so much and I wish she would have decided to be baptized with me so we could one day be sealed in the temple as a family and be together for all eternity, but it's her decision and I know it would be hard for her since my dad really had no desire to join the church or even sit in on the lessons. But I still love my mom with all my heart and I hope one day she does decide to be baptized. :]

Then was girls camp. I almost didn't go to girls camp because, that week for cheerleading, we were learning a routine which we would perform at the freshman assembly. I prayed about what to do and I know that it would be better for me to go to girls camp. Girls camp was also AMAZING!! It was seriously one of the best times I had ever had. :] It was one of the first times I had ever felt the spirit so strong. Especially at testimony meeting [thanks to Leah, of course, who always gets everyone crying :)]. It was a great week and it strengthened my testimony so much and I'm so glad I went and will never ever, and never did, regret going to girls camp over staying for cheer. [Especially because the routine was TOTALLY risque and gave the freshman squad such a bad rep. A totally blessing in so many ways that I went to girls camp :)]

The next few months that followed would be some of the best ever. :]

Saturday, October 9, 2010

The Beginning Continued

Autum, Lexis, and I became friends almost immediately. We met in 2nd grade and in 3rd grade, they invited me to church with them for Bring a Friend to Primary Day. I'd never been to church before, so I was pretty excited. My mom got me a new dress and new shoes. She did my hair and I went with them to church. I liked it a lot, and I couldn't wait to go again. That summer, they invited me to Pioneer Day. We camped at the church overnight and the next day there was a big carnival-type thing. It was so much fun! I went the following year on Bring a Friend to Primary Day again and then when I turned 12 I went to a few activities with them, but not a lot. I also went to Pioneer Day again. It was the same as the first time with the camp out and the carnival. Only this time, there was a boy. A boy who I noticed, but didn't notice me. As soon as I saw him, I had the HUGEST crush on him. At the carnival on Saturday, there was a dunk tank. A dunk tank he was at all day. So, naturally, I wanted to be there all day too. Every time I sat on that little dunk tank seat, he was at the plate to pitch the ball that would send me into the freezing water. Being a twelve-year-old girl, I thought it was totally completely meant to be. No, of course it wasn't because there was no one else in line. (Actually, it was.) Or just a complete coincidence that when I stepped up to pitch, he was sitting on that little dunk tank seat. (Yeah, again,it was.) I was utterly convinced that this boy was my soul mate. Of course it didn't matter that I had never talked to him in my life. After we left, I soon forgot about this boy. However, this is the same boy that would, in a few years, completely change my life.

The Beginning

So I've thought a lot about where to start and I figure that since this is supposed to be my life story, why not start at the very very beginning. Or, close to it anyway :]

I was born into a family of three, making me number four. My mom, my dad, and my brother, Scotty. My parents found out shortly after I was born that my brother has autism. Autism is a developmental disorder that affects normal communication and social skills. Scotty has a hard time understanding lots of things that come naturally to most people. It's also difficult for him to communicate with others. Luckily, he is high-functioning and he actually can communicate very well. Some times he frustrates me so bad that I want to punch a wall or something, but I know its hard for him and I need to try and understand that. I love my brother, even when I feel like I could kill him and, honestly, I don't think Lilly would even be here today if it wasn't for Scotty's autism.

You're probably wondering how the heck my brother and his autsim have anything to do with the amazing production of Lilly, and I sure as heck am gunna tell you. I'll just start at the begininning (again :]). Well, my brother was sent to a special private school called SLDC (Speech and Language Development Center) and I was sent with him.

While I was there, I made some pretty good friends. Three of them are a year younger than I, and are also triplets. The two boys are high-functioning, but not as high as my brother. The girl, Sarah, who I became good friends with, is very high-functioning. Well, their mom decided to move them to another school (SLDC wasn't really the greatest. Their disciplinary..ways? strategies?.. were not that great) and my mom decided the same for me. She sent me to the same school they were at, Gilbert Elementary, even though it wasn't my home school, but it also wasn't that far. This is the place where my life was completely changed for the better and I met some of the most amazing people ever who became, and will always be, my life long best friends. Sisters, practically. Gilbert was where I met Autum Bronson, Lexis, Fayth, and Leah Hicken. Total and complete blessings in my life.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

What to write about?

Well.. hmmm.. I wanted to make this blog to share my side of the story of Lilly's adoption. But then I realized, dang, most of it would be the first few posts and then what? I have no more blog other than maybe a Lilly-update post every once in a while. So then I thought, welll.. it could just be about me; about my life. Of course I'll still share my side of the story of the adoption, as well as Lilly-update posts, and talking about visits with her and Kevin and Danya, but I'll post more than that too. MY LIFE STORY! :D Maybe that's a little over dramatic... :] But I am a little over dramatic, so that's okay :] I guess that's it for now..
On to my life story! :D