Saturday, December 4, 2010


Struggle. I think struggle is one of the best words to describe teenage pregnancy.
The first struggle is coming to terms with everything. When you first find out, you're in a haze. It feels like a dream. Then, it hits you. This is really happening.

I was excited. There was this baby. Inside of me. And it was mine. I get to buy clothes and furniture. This would make everything better. This would bring everyone closer together. This would fix things. So I thought.

Then I was nervous. How do I provide for it? I have no job, and even though I am in an amazing relationship and CJ is so supportive, we're not married. He has no job. We both come from semi-broken families. His more physically and mine more emotionally.[If you know what I mean]. Where would we live? Were not out of high school. How do I go through two more years of school and raise a child? There was no way possible that I would leave my child in day care for some one else to raise. And I was nervous to tell my mom. But I did. (Before seminary :])

And then, I was overwhelmed. How do I figure all this out? How do I tell my mom? Will she be mad? Maybe. Will she be upset? Probably. Will she be disappointed? Definitely.

And then, there was a decision.

At the very very beginning, when we pretty much knew but hadn't found out for sure, there was the brief thought of abortion. I got the feeling it wasn't what I had to do, but, as I do with everything, I researched it. I immediately knew it was wrong that this child wouldn't even have a chance at life. This was happening to me for a reason. As my child grew and become stronger, I too would grow and become stronger. Aborting my child would be like slapping Heavenly Father in the face. Because he decided that that child would come to the earth and that it was up to me to get it here. Aborting would just be sending it back. It is knowing you've done wrong and not dealing with it. It is murder. And I refused to be a murderer.
So, obviously, abortion was out of the picture.

And then, there was the thought of adoption. I, again, researched and found that the church had its own adoption agency and everything. I looked at the couples, but I felt that I couldn't do it. That I wasn't strong enough. That I didn't need to. One thing that stood out to me about adoption was that a child deserves to have both a mother and a father. Well, my child would have a mother and a father, thank you very much, and even though we wouldn't be married, eventually we would get married. I guess you could say that I was kind of.. bitter maybe? about adoption. Because this baby was mine and I wanted to raise it. No matter what I had to do to make that happen.

I had decided that I wanted to be the parent of my child no matter whatever struggle I had to go through.

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