Thursday, December 30, 2010


My other super exciting adventure began when my mom and I were offered the opportunity to go visit my uncle Greg, my aunt Angela, and my 18 month old [at the time] cousin in Dubai in April.
You're probably wondering what the heck they're doing in Dubai or even where the heck Dubai is.
My uncle is a fire protection engineer and was
offered the opportunity to move to Dubai and be the boss of his company's branch out there. They were ecstatic and accepted. Dubai is in the United Arab Emirates, which neighbors Saudi Arabia.
So my mom and I were super duper excited to get
the chance to go visit her brother and his wife!
My mom was kind of nervous to have me fly, but we were reassured by the doctor that I was perfectly fine t
o go.
So we packed up and headed off for our 12 hour flight to Moscow, Russia and then another 4 hour flight from Moscow to Dubai. It was a pretty good flight; I got to catch up on my sleep! Lol!
I was so excited to see everyone when we arri
ved, since it'd been a while since they had last visited. I was also nervous, however, since they didn't know about my pregnancy. It wasn't that obvious since I wasn't showing too much, but I guess enough that they figured it out. They were so supportive, though, and had great advice for me. They reassured me that whatever decision I made, I would definitely be supported and loved.
The trip was so much fun! We got to see so many different things, and it was such an awesome experience! Now, time for p
ictures! :]
Mom and I. Behind us is the Burj Al Arab.
Me in front of some pretty mosque :D
Me in front of water thats infront of the Burj Khalifa[tallest building in the world. It's pretty dang tall. :)] You can even see a fragment of a baby bump! :]
Me and Connor :]]
Me, my mom, and Connor on Uncle Greg's friend's boat! :D

Mom&I at the Grand Mosque :]

My uncle did convince me, though, that maybe adoption was the best. They even offered to adopt the baby! I was sort of overwhelmed, and wasn't really sure since I still didn't even know whether I wanted to parent or place yet. And, I still had to talk to CJ. Even though everyone left the decision up to me, I didn't feel right not talking to CJ first. Yes, I was carrying the child and the decision was ultimately up to me, but he was still her father and he would be a major roll in the situation as well. After long thought and prayer, we decided that placing with Greg and Angela was not the right thing for us. They are awesome people and we love them to death, but we didn't want to place into the family and we wanted our daughter a lot closer to us.
I was sad when it came time to leave. It came by so quickly, but it was such a relaxing vacation; I really didn't want to go back to school. I was, however, super duper excited to get home and see CJ :]

Sunday, December 26, 2010


The next few weeks kind of stunk because I hardly got to see CJ. Of course I saw him at school, and it helped that we had two classes together, but he had just joined the baseball team at school, so he always had practice after school, and my dad was still really mad at him, so he never came over. I was kind of bummed, cause when I needed him the most, it felt like I had him the least.
I did have two big events to look forward to, though. During my 18th week of pregnancy[March 17th, to be exact], we set a date for my ultrasound! I was of course bummed CJ couldn't be there, since he had baseball practice, but I was still really excited. I finally got to see this little baby in my tummy. We weren't quite sure if we wanted to find out the gender or not, so we didn't right then. They did tell us, though, that they had it on file and if we wanted to know, we could always call. I was so excited and it helped that we didn't have to wait long, especially since they make you drink a TON of water before the ultrasound [which is actually kinda bogus, cause I only drank like, half a bottle my second ultrasound and it was just as good as the first one]. I was so nervous when the monitor popped up, and I couldn't tell what the heck it was. The baby wasn't moving very much, so the ultrasound tech [who was SO SO nice, not at all like the meanie on Juno :)] took all the measurements of the baby's head and feet and checked for 10 fingers, 10 toes [all present, thank goodness!]. Finally the baby started to move and we got the most perfect picture ever.

I thought my child was absolutely perfect [but who doesn't thin that about their kids?(:] and looked so much like CJ![she does in the ultrasound anyway!!(:] Of course my mom cried, but when doesn't she? :] It was absolutely amazing.
I absolutely could not wait to find out the gender of this baby [since I was tired of saying "it" or "the baby"], my mom called the doctor's office and left a message. While we were waiting for the plastic surgeon at another appointment [I had to have a "possibly dangerous" growth removed from my forehead.], they called back, and my mom let it go to voicemail. OH MY GOSH! I was soo excited! For some reason, I was absolutely convinced that this baby was a boy. Don't ask me why. Maybe its cause I like blue better than pink. Who knows. But I was wrong cause this baby was.... A GIRL!

Back and Forth

My mom took my to my first doctor's appointment in the middle of February and I found out that I was fourteen weeks pregnant! I was so excited when they told me that you could get an ultrasound at 17 weeks! I wanted to see this baby so badly!! They sent me home with this bag FULL of stuff. Preparing to be a mom journal or whatever, pregnancy magazines, trial sizes of diapers and formula, coupons, and, well, you get the picture.

However, as the next few weeks, months, whatever, went b
y, I felt my oh-so-sure decision wavering.
As I starting looking up cribs and changing tables and all the other things a baby needs, I realized how expensive it was, making me realize how little money we really had. I still really did want to parent, though, and getting all that stuff from the doctors made me want to even more. I knew I could do it. And it really helped that Tiffany[CJ's mom] and my mom were so supportive of any decision we were to make.
I looked up online and home schools, picked out my favorite boy and girl names, and constantly compared prices on must-have baby items. I was determined to be the mother of my child, no matter what it took.

My mom and I made an appointment to go to LDS fa
mily services to help with the decision making process, though. I was kind of nervous, but also kind of excited.
We arrived at the LDS family services office [after getting
lost because stupid google maps gave us wrong directions >:(] and were greeted by a tall, pretty, blonde lady who introduced herself as Sharri. She took us into her office and we explained our situation. Sharri was so nice and so supportive. She basically explained that they could not make the decision for me [darn. :P] but that I would be absolutely 100% supported by either decision I made. It was a good hour, though, and it was definitely a really amazing, spiritual place that i would find myself every week for the next ten months[Wow, ten months? Has it already been that long??].

My mom and I were both afraid to tell my Dad. Neither of u
s really knew how he would react, but I kept busy with school and a sock hop/musical thing the young men&young women in my ward were putting on. No one else really knew either. Mostly just some family and our bishops.
The sock hop was sooo fun!! Sister Nutter in my ward directed, cast, everything for the whole thing and it actually turned out really good! W
e got to dress like we were in the 50's and danced, and sang, and then we all had to serve food to everyone [okay that really wasn't that much fun since some people were actually really rude and I really really wanted to yell at them and cry(hormones? :])].
But anyway, let me share the magical moments[hah] through pictures.

It looks like a mess, but it really was organized :]

All the girls :]"Watching T.V." :]

So the play was fun, but the night was not. Long story short, since I really do not want to go into detail of the night, many people found out about my pregnancy that night. Including my dad, who must have had a few drinks before we left, and, lets just say, CJ was lucky Brother Bronson was there. End of story. :]
But that night also made me wonder if my house was a fit environment for my child to grow up in. I guess I had I turned out alright, but would I want my baby to grow up like I had? In the midst of constant arguing, knowing there were money problems, and living with an alcoholic? I wasn't so sure, and I had a plan for everything, though, including going over to CJ's when things weren't so good at my house. I wanted to be prepared. But every night, I still looked at those adoptive couples' profiles, and every night, I still found nothing.

Saturday, December 4, 2010


Struggle. I think struggle is one of the best words to describe teenage pregnancy.
The first struggle is coming to terms with everything. When you first find out, you're in a haze. It feels like a dream. Then, it hits you. This is really happening.

I was excited. There was this baby. Inside of me. And it was mine. I get to buy clothes and furniture. This would make everything better. This would bring everyone closer together. This would fix things. So I thought.

Then I was nervous. How do I provide for it? I have no job, and even though I am in an amazing relationship and CJ is so supportive, we're not married. He has no job. We both come from semi-broken families. His more physically and mine more emotionally.[If you know what I mean]. Where would we live? Were not out of high school. How do I go through two more years of school and raise a child? There was no way possible that I would leave my child in day care for some one else to raise. And I was nervous to tell my mom. But I did. (Before seminary :])

And then, I was overwhelmed. How do I figure all this out? How do I tell my mom? Will she be mad? Maybe. Will she be upset? Probably. Will she be disappointed? Definitely.

And then, there was a decision.

At the very very beginning, when we pretty much knew but hadn't found out for sure, there was the brief thought of abortion. I got the feeling it wasn't what I had to do, but, as I do with everything, I researched it. I immediately knew it was wrong that this child wouldn't even have a chance at life. This was happening to me for a reason. As my child grew and become stronger, I too would grow and become stronger. Aborting my child would be like slapping Heavenly Father in the face. Because he decided that that child would come to the earth and that it was up to me to get it here. Aborting would just be sending it back. It is knowing you've done wrong and not dealing with it. It is murder. And I refused to be a murderer.
So, obviously, abortion was out of the picture.

And then, there was the thought of adoption. I, again, researched and found that the church had its own adoption agency and everything. I looked at the couples, but I felt that I couldn't do it. That I wasn't strong enough. That I didn't need to. One thing that stood out to me about adoption was that a child deserves to have both a mother and a father. Well, my child would have a mother and a father, thank you very much, and even though we wouldn't be married, eventually we would get married. I guess you could say that I was kind of.. bitter maybe? about adoption. Because this baby was mine and I wanted to raise it. No matter what I had to do to make that happen.

I had decided that I wanted to be the parent of my child no matter whatever struggle I had to go through.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The P Word.

So, I bet you noticed that I skipped about a year.
Well, to be honest, not much happened in t
hat year. It was actually pretty boring, beside the fact that CJ and my relationship was amazing to say the least. :]
So amazing [however] that in December of 2009, I was scared to death of that p word.
No, not poop.
I was pretty dang positive that I was pregnant,
but I was too scared to find out. I had all the symptoms, though. Skipped time o' the month, morning sickness, everything. But, I still didn't want to get a pregnancy test. Maybe for the fear that, if I wasn't pregnant, then what the heck was wrong with me?
But I knew it.
However, I wanted to finish out the rest of cheer season [Basketball season] and then I would find out for sure. So I cheered the rest
of season, until the beginning of February, right before my 16th birthday.
Autum, Lexis, and I had been planning an amaz
ing fantastical Sweet Sixteen Party for a while since Lexis's birthday is in December and mine and Autum's are in February. And it was amazing and fantastical. :] It was a formal masquerade party so everyone had to come dressed nicely and they would get a mask when they arrived. It was held at a location that my dad's company uses a lot [He is a pro party planner :)] and we decorated it amazingly. Anyway, I'll just share pictures, but it was prettier than the pictures make it look :]
And so, what is a birthday party without cake? Cake with a picture of us when we were nine :]And our moms, being the weirdos that they are insisted that we
cut our cake together.
Awwww :] So cute :]
But us, being the weirdos that we are, okay mostly just Autum ;], had to ruin it by crossing each other's names out, decapitating each other, and stabbing one another in the head :] Can't you tell how much we love each other? ;]]And this, Ladies and gents, was the end product of our madness :] Not to mention complete and total hilarity :]
I think you can figure out what were like just by looking a
t our cake :]

However, by 10 I was exhausted, another unusual, but I ignored it.
That weekend, though, was 3 days long and CJ and I had decided that we would go to the mall together, which conveniently had a Target inside of it, and find out for sure.
We got to target and to say that we tried to put it off as
long as possible is an understatement. We stared at band-aids for 30 minutes. Okay, maybe that was just me because CJ [probably frustrated with my dilly-dallying, I would be :P] picked a test up, paid for it, and gave it to me.
I took the test, waited the recommended time and read it.
"That little pink plus sign is so unholy."