Sunday, December 26, 2010

Back and Forth

My mom took my to my first doctor's appointment in the middle of February and I found out that I was fourteen weeks pregnant! I was so excited when they told me that you could get an ultrasound at 17 weeks! I wanted to see this baby so badly!! They sent me home with this bag FULL of stuff. Preparing to be a mom journal or whatever, pregnancy magazines, trial sizes of diapers and formula, coupons, and, well, you get the picture.

However, as the next few weeks, months, whatever, went b
y, I felt my oh-so-sure decision wavering.
As I starting looking up cribs and changing tables and all the other things a baby needs, I realized how expensive it was, making me realize how little money we really had. I still really did want to parent, though, and getting all that stuff from the doctors made me want to even more. I knew I could do it. And it really helped that Tiffany[CJ's mom] and my mom were so supportive of any decision we were to make.
I looked up online and home schools, picked out my favorite boy and girl names, and constantly compared prices on must-have baby items. I was determined to be the mother of my child, no matter what it took.

My mom and I made an appointment to go to LDS fa
mily services to help with the decision making process, though. I was kind of nervous, but also kind of excited.
We arrived at the LDS family services office [after getting
lost because stupid google maps gave us wrong directions >:(] and were greeted by a tall, pretty, blonde lady who introduced herself as Sharri. She took us into her office and we explained our situation. Sharri was so nice and so supportive. She basically explained that they could not make the decision for me [darn. :P] but that I would be absolutely 100% supported by either decision I made. It was a good hour, though, and it was definitely a really amazing, spiritual place that i would find myself every week for the next ten months[Wow, ten months? Has it already been that long??].

My mom and I were both afraid to tell my Dad. Neither of u
s really knew how he would react, but I kept busy with school and a sock hop/musical thing the young men&young women in my ward were putting on. No one else really knew either. Mostly just some family and our bishops.
The sock hop was sooo fun!! Sister Nutter in my ward directed, cast, everything for the whole thing and it actually turned out really good! W
e got to dress like we were in the 50's and danced, and sang, and then we all had to serve food to everyone [okay that really wasn't that much fun since some people were actually really rude and I really really wanted to yell at them and cry(hormones? :])].
But anyway, let me share the magical moments[hah] through pictures.

It looks like a mess, but it really was organized :]

All the girls :]"Watching T.V." :]

So the play was fun, but the night was not. Long story short, since I really do not want to go into detail of the night, many people found out about my pregnancy that night. Including my dad, who must have had a few drinks before we left, and, lets just say, CJ was lucky Brother Bronson was there. End of story. :]
But that night also made me wonder if my house was a fit environment for my child to grow up in. I guess I had I turned out alright, but would I want my baby to grow up like I had? In the midst of constant arguing, knowing there were money problems, and living with an alcoholic? I wasn't so sure, and I had a plan for everything, though, including going over to CJ's when things weren't so good at my house. I wanted to be prepared. But every night, I still looked at those adoptive couples' profiles, and every night, I still found nothing.

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