Saturday, August 25, 2012

One Week Down!

With my last post talking about how I was starting college soon, I figure I should update it since I've now been a college student for a week. And this is the short way to say how I feel... 
It's amazing how much freedom you have in college. It's definitely been hard living on my own, but it's made it better that I have awesome roommates and neighbors. They are the best! My classes haven't been too bad yet, although I was a bit overwhelmed my first few days and especially in my first lecture. 
I feel like in the one week that I've been living in Utah, I've done more than I have in my entire life. I've learned how to slackline (if you don't know what this is, look it up on youtube, it is seriously so much fun!) and rock climb and I've been running and doing pilates and hiking! I feel so active! I never would have imagined myself being where I am now. Everyone who knows me knows I am pretty lazy, so this is probably a shock to you all! It is so much fun and I just feel so much better now! 
The only downside to living in Utah is that Danya, Kevin, and Lilly are in California. :[ If you read my story, you'll know that one of the main reasons I chose them was because I could go visit in one day. Being close was something that was really important to me. However, thanks to the modern marvels of technology, we can still see them in one day without either of us leaving our houses! Skype is so much fun! I was kinda bummed when I realized I wouldn't be able to make it to Lilly's second birthday party, but it was really awesome of Danya and Kevin to Skype CJ and I during the party so we could see Lilly loving her party!
I am so grateful for all the opportunities I've been given and all the people I've met here in Utah. I feel so blessed to have my Grandparents so close as well. I have made friends that I already know will last a lifetime and I am now even more excited for what the future has in store for me!♥

Thursday, August 2, 2012

College is Coming Up!

With less than two weeks before I leave to be all alone in Utah for college, I figured I would throw out some things I'm feeling about this whole college thing. 

I'm so excited! I can't wait to be independent and meet new people. It will be so amazing, this new chapter of my life. I can't wait to have roommates that will hopefully be my friends throughout this year and more to come. I'm excited to learn and to grow and to be myself. I'm excited for the "college experience" (Mormon-edition ;]). I'm excited for my future to begin. For everything I've done for my daughter to pay off for me; not that it hasn't yet, but college was one of the main reasons I placed her. I wanted to be able to have a college education, something that may not have happened had I decided to parent.

I'm nervous for all the same reasons I'm excited. I'm nervous I won't make friends and I'll be that lone. loser. I'm nervous I'll fail all my classes. I'm nervous I won't be able to manage my time or study effectively. I'm nervous I'll never figure out what I want to do, I'll never decide on my major. I'm nervous that I'll gain 15 pounds (or more!), when really, I need to loose about that much to be at my pre-baby weight (boo! haha). I'm nervous to be independent and all alone with my best friend two hours away, my other all the way across the country, and my mom two states away. The longest I've been away from my mom is two weeks. I'm scared to be away from her. I'll have my grandparents, but they aren't the same as my mom. 

I'm so ridiculously frustrated with the U right now. I'm not feeling like elaborating, but I'm pretty much asking questions and getting wishy-washy and inconsistent answers. Answers that I need because I need to know exactly how much college is going to cost me this year and if it's not all covered under my financial aid, I need to take out loans, which I'm more than willing to do, but I need to know. And right now, I'm not getting the answers I need so I can be productive in paying for college. It makes me want to scream!!! I hate relying and waiting on other people. But, I'm trying to be patient.

That's about all I can think of at the moment. But I do want to say that, no matter how frustrated I am with the U right now, I know it's the place for me. While in Utah early July, I had to go to Weber to get some papers. It was weird being there. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I felt lost and confused and unwelcome. No one said a word to me and it was just.. uncomfortable and, despite the 100-degree weather, cold. When I went to the U, although it's not BYU or SVU, not church related, I felt the spirit so strong. My prayers and worries and concerns were answered and addressed. This is the place for me. This is where I belong. I felt it and I knew it. Though I'd never even seen the campus, it was so familiar and so comfortable. 
It was love♥

Monday, July 30, 2012


I figured I should post some pictures of the past two years! Our baby girl has grown so much! 

Halloween 2010
Halloween 2010

Christmas 2010

Lilly's Sealing
Lilly's First Birthday
Lilly's Blessing

Fourth of July 2010
Sandy Oreos! Yum!

Beach Day!

Sorry the formatting is so weird. The new blogger throws me off. :] 
Anyway, not that I'm biased or anything, but isn't Lilly just the CUTEST kid ever?!? ;]


Placement day was the hardest day of my life. Hands down. We weren't meeting until the afternoon, so we spent most of the day packing Lilly's things, crying, and spending as much time holding, kissing, and loving our baby girl while she was still ours. The day was so bittersweet. We met at the Family Services office in Fountain Valley. CJ and I decided we only wanted our mom's there with us. After all, the four of us had been through everything together, it was the four of us at meetings and groups, the four if us who read Danya and Kevin's profile together, the four of us who met them, and the four of us who were there when she was born.  We arrived an hour before Kevin and Danya so we could get all of our paperwork signed. The paperwork was really hard for me. Especially because every word had to be read aloud, luckily not by me or CJ though. But it was still hard relinquishing our rights and all. It made it feel all the more official. After all that was done, Jay and I had a few moments alone with Lilly. I remember us both crying so hard as we changed her diaper, the last time we would ever have to change her diaper. We met up with Danya and Kevin in the foyer, snapped a few pictures, and I placed my daughter in the arms of her mother. And then, after more pictures, and some goodbyes,Danya and Kevin drove away with Lilly, which I think was harder than actually handing her over to Danya, because I knew that they were really gone. Then, although it was a Sunday, we went to our favorite sushi restaurant to get our minds off everything. When Jay and I first told our moms I was pregnant, they wanted to meet up and talk about everything with us and they let me choose the restaurant and  Kaisen was my favorite and where I wanted to go. Even though I couldn't eat sushi. After we ate dinner, CJ and I went to Downtown Disney, a place we frequented when we first started dating and even during my pregnancy. I bawled when 8:42 rolled around and Lilly was officially a week old. Then, we both went home and it felt so weird that the swing with my baby wasn't next to my bed. I woke up a few times in the night to check on her, in only a week I had gotten so used to her schedule, but the wasn't there. For the first time in nine months, I was and felt so alone.
Although placement was really hard for me, I knew I had since the right thing for my daughter. Looking at her now, almost two years old, I can see how blessed all our lives have been through everything. Jay and I have gotten some amazing opportunities that would have been nearly impossible or even nonexistent had we not placed Lilly. It's awesome to see how smart Lilly is and how much she's growing and learning. It's also amazing to watch Kevin and Danya raise her and be parents, something I am so grateful to have been able to give to them. So no matter how sad I feel about placement and about "losing" (and I use that word oh so loosely, because we have gained so much more than lost) my daughter, I will never regret a single thing when it comes to her. I was so glad Heavenly Father gave me the opportunity to learn and grow and to bless someone else's life. I always joke around about how whenever, before Lilly, I was asked what my toughest challenge was in life or a struggle I'd had to overcome, I'd make up some dumb answer that made no sense, but now I have a legit answer that touched the heart. But at the same time, it's kind of true. I love my daughter and her family; our family. Placement is always seen as the end for a birthparent. The child is officially not yours, and, in some cases it is, but for us, out was only the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
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