Wednesday, August 31, 2011

August 25th&26th, 2010.

The 25th of August is my brother Scotty's birthday. He really enjoyed getting to spend it with his niece. I, however, had a really really tough Wednesday. I'm not sure if it was the hormones that just come with having a baby or the fact that I was getting pretty attached to Lilly, but I just could not keep it together. I was totally bawling all day. My mom was really worried because she thought I was changing my mind about placing. She called Sharri and talked to her and they said if I wanted to, we could just have placement the next day, when Kevin and Danya were planning on visiting any way. But that wasn't it at all. I wasn't changing my mind. I was just really really really emotional. I just needed to hold Lilly and be alone for a little bit. After a while, I was totally fine. I'm still not sure why I was so upset that day, my best guess is a combination of our situation and the hormones, but I got over it and then got excited for Kevin and Danya to come over the next day to see Lilly.
We planned out them coming to see us and Lilly during the week we had her so they knew we weren't changing our minds about placing.
They were soo sweet and brought us lunch from yummy yummy In 'N Out Burger. We chatted and Danya even brought me the last book in the Hunger Games trilogy which had just come out.
It was such a great visit for all of us. I think both sides really needed the closure and reassurance from one another that this was still happening and was going to work out wonderfully.♥

August 24th, 2010.

On this glorious Tuesday morning, we got to bring our little Lilly home!!
However, CJ also had his senior pictures. So his mom came and picked him up and my mom came to help get everything all packed up. I changed Lilly in her cute little panda outfit that CJ and I picked out to take her home in, got changed myself, got all my stuff together, and told the hospital staff we were more than ready to leave. The only thing was, the old man would not let me walk. He insisted that I HAD to ride in the wheelchair. If you know me, you know I am pretty dang independent. I like to do things that I am perfectly capable of doing myself, by myself. But the old man would not give up, so I finally gave in and rode in his stupid wheelchair. But I didn't like it.
Anyway, we got home and settled in, ate some lunch, CJ came over. It was a really nice, relaxing day. It was so nice to finally be home.
That night, Lilly slept so insanely well it was ridiculous. Where was this baby who cried and cried and refused to sleep unless you held her? She was sound asleep in her swing. She only woke up once, maybe twice to eat and after she was done, she was done and was asleep faster than I was.
It was such a perfect day.♥

Delivery Room.

I wanted to write this post to touch on a subject I realized I didn't touch on in my August 22nd post. The delivery room.
It took me a while to figure out who I wanted in the delivery room with me. Obviously, I wanted CJ there. He was(and still is) my boyfriend and Lilly's birth father, so that was a given. I also wanted my mom there because, well, she's my mom. She was there for me at every doctors appointment and every step of the way and I wanted her there until the very end.
For a while, they were the only two who I wanted there. Until I talked to CJ about it and he expressed his mom's desire to be there as well. I immediately felt so awful that I hadn't even thought of including Tiffiny in the delivery room. She's always been so awesome towards me and there for me. She was almost like a second mom. Of course I had to include Tiffiny!
But then, when we chose to place, things got a bit more tricky. I had heard those stories of the couple being in the room during the delivery, the adoptive mom having the chest to chest time with the baby, the adoptive dad cutting the umbilical cord; really letting them have the whole experience. As much as I wanted them to have it, I wanted that too. I wanted CJ to be able to cut the umbilical cord, and I knew he wanted to as well, I wanted that chest to chest time with my baby while she was still mine. As much as I loved Kevin and Danya so much already, truth was, I had only met them once. I just felt it would be a little awkward to have them in there for all of that. I knew in my heart I was placing with them. She was their daughter. I just wanted that time to myself and my family.
So it was the four of us in the delivery room that day; me, CJ, my mom, and Tiffiny. We kept Danya and Kevin posted all day with texts. Whenever we were told something, we told them.
All in all, everything worked out really. I don't think their feelings were too hurt (at least I hope not) and we got our time with Lilly.♥

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

August 23, 2010

The first night was rough.
Lilly did NOT like the bassinet at the hospital at all and pretty much refused to sleep in it.
I couldn't exactly walk yet either because of the numbness and the pain and CJ sleeps through pretty much anything. Including Lilly's cries.
I was so tired so the night was pretty much a haze. I think at one point the nurses took her to the nursery so we could get some sleep, which we gladly did.
Feeding her was an awful experience. I wanted to try and breast feed for the week we had her because it's just better for the baby. However, she had much difficulty latching and the nurse suggested bringing a lactation consultant in, but I didn't want to cause that much trouble. I also had heard of babies who got confused with the bottle and the breast and sometimes refused the bottle and I didn't want to make it harder for Danya, Kevin, and Lilly, so we eventually just gave her a bottle.
The next morning, my mom, my brother, and my grandparents came to see and meet Lilly.
Some of CJ's family came as well, including his sisters Vicky and Penny, and his mom.
Our case worker, Sharri, even got to come and see Miss Lilly while we were still in the hospital. She and her family were going up to Utah and stopped on their way out so Sharri could come see Lilly. It was a short visit, but we were glad she was able to come, and I'm pretty sure she was too.
Then, around lunch time, Danya and Kevin came to meet their daughter. When they walked in, CJ's sister, Penny, was holding Lilly. As Penny handed Lilly to Danya, the spirit was so strong. For the first time all day, I was so comfortable in that ugly little uncomfortable hospital room. Danya started to tear up, and while we all held back rolling tears, there was not a single dry eye in that room. We all knew that these were the parents of our little girl. Time passed quickly as we chatted, ooh'ed, ahh'ed, and giggled over Lilly, and taught Kevin how to change a diaper. All too soon, it was time for them to leave. And after they did, everyone else did, leaving CJ and I alone. We talked about how perfect it was seeing them with her and how even though we knew biologically she was ours, she didn't feel like ours. And she wasn't. At the end of Juno (my favorite movie of all time), Juno says something like, "He was always hers." And that is exactly how we felt. She was always meant to be their daughter. Heavenly Father knew that and he gave us the strength to recognize that she was not ours. That is one blessing I will never ever forget.
Our little moment was interrupted by the birth certificate lady, another moment I will never forget. She came in and got our names, but when she asked, "Baby's last name will be the father's, correct?" Incorrect. The baby's last name is Lynd. L-y-n-d. Lynd. I have never before seen a more confused look. She double checked that she had heard our last names correctly, that she wasn't missing anything. We then put her confusion to an end by telling her we were placing our daughter for adoption and that was their last name. I still don't think she totally understood, but she took that for an acceptable answer, typed the name, and was gone.
That night, CJ and I got the special "romantic, new parents dinner" that is complementary with a private room, which was courtesy of those wonderful people at LDS family services. It was about as romantic as you could get with the ugliest room ever, the most disgusting food ever, and poor crying Lilly. Which is not very if you couldn't tell. But that was fine. After everything that had happened, we really didn't need romantic. It was nice though, to sit and talk and have dinner with my most favorite man ever.
I don't remember much about the night, sleep-wise, other than it sucked. But it would soon be better since we got to go home the next day!♥

Sunday, March 27, 2011

August 22nd, 2010

On August 22nd, I was scheduled for my induction.
I was kind of bummed that I had to be induced because I really wanted that whole experience of going into labor and what not, plus, I HATE hospitals and I wanted to be there as little as possible and induction meant I had to be there for the whole entire labor. BOO!
But anyway, we had to be at the hospital at 5 in the A.M., which was pretty dang early for us since we were so used
to being asleep until around 11.
We got to the hospital and they pretty muc
h insisted to wheel chair[?] me from the lobby to labor and delivery, which was totally unnecessary since I wasn't even in labor and I could walk pretty dang well thank you very much.
However, they were hospital people, and, frankly, I'm not one to stand up to authority and they scared me, so I obliged and let th
em wheel chair[okay, I really don't think that's right, but oh well] me. It was super awkward.
Well, we got all signed up and I got my wrist ba
nds and they sent us to a room. I got hooked up to baby heart rate monitors, a blood pressure cuff, and an IV.
At around 6, they put this pill formed medicine in
my place where the baby comes out to soften the cervix. By 8 o'clock I was 100% effaced and 2 cm dilated.
I was so insanel
y excited.
However, until around 5 p.m., my day was almo
st completely uneventful.
I started feeling the contractions bad, but I couldn't get my epidural until I was at least 3 cm dilated.
Well, I took a nap, but was awoken by contractions
. So they suggested walking around the hospital and I felt like telling them, "Screw you.", but like I said before, I'm not one to argue with authority, so we walked. And basically, it sucked.
After 20 minutes of walking, we went back to the r
oom. I was finally dilated to a three! So around 3 p.m., I got my epidural.
After that, they broke my water and by 5 p.m., I was di
lated to 5 cm. They said I would probably deliver around 10 p.m. since the nurse said it went super duper fast [my words not hers :)].
So I slept some more and at around 8 p.m., I started feeling contractions.
I was freaking out because I didn't want to feel
ANYTHING. Hence, the epidural.
However, there was this magical little button o
n my epidural thing that you could press every three minutes or so that would kick in more epidural. Needless to say, we pressed every three minutes or so. It did absolutely nothing. [Until later, which I will get to later :)]
Then at around 8:20ish I started feeling pressure and they said if I'm feeling pressure, it means I need to start pushing. So they pu
t my feet in the saddle things and the nurse got all up in there and I started pushing which is not the most fun thing in the world.
Eventually my doctor came in and was really only in there for about two or three pushes.
At 8:41 p.m. on August 22nd 2010, the most gorgeous little 6 lb 15 oz 19 inch baby girl was born
The doctor put her on my chest area, CJ cut the um
bilical cord, and they started to clean her up.
We were all totally tearing up. She had a full head of
dark hair and she was more amazing and gorgeous than I ever imagined her to be.
She cried a little and my mom got a few pictures.

Then, they whisked her up to quickly measure and weigh her and to do all that other necessary stuff they had to do with babies.
Then, Lilly was passed around the room.
First, to CJ.

Then, to my mom.

Then, to Tiffiny.
Lilly started getting kind of fussy and the nurse suggested that she was probably hungry. I had decided that, if I kept my baby, I wanted to breastfeed because it was just generally better for the baby. However, since we were placing after a week, I figured I'd just breastfeed for the week. So I think she ate enough cause after that, she fell asleep.
Then, they moved me on to a different bed that rolled and stuff and moved me into a room. Thank goodness Lilly was born when she was because private rooms were first come first served and we got one! Woo hoo!
Any way, shortly after we got into the room, CJ totally passed out and, since only one person could stay in a private room with the mother and the baby, our moms went home.
I enjoyed some time just holding Lilly, but I was dead tired. Soon enough, CJ woke up and put Lilly in this little bassinet thing they have for the babies in the rooms since I couldn't feel from my hips down and couldn't even lift my legs because of the epidural, a total result from pressing that button so many times. Whoopsies :]
Lilly absolutely refused to sleep in the bassinet, though, and CJ was asleep again. A nurse came in and offered to take her to the nursery so we could sleep a little. I felt kind of guilty letting them take her like that, but I was so incredibly tired. So, she went to the nursery for a few hours so CJ and I could sleep a little. We had a big day coming up. Lilly was going to meet everyone. Including her parents♥

Coming to the Very End.

So towards the end, we got kind of nervous that everything would not play out as expected.
My doctor was going on vacation on the week of my due date, so I was hoping and praying that I wouldn't have Lilly while she was away.
And then, we found out Sharri was going out of town for a few days to take her daughter to college in Utah.
We had originally planned that we would keep Lilly for a couple of days after we got out of the hospital and after she was born to solidify our decision and have a little time with her.
Luckily, I didn't have Lilly while my doctor was away and they scheduled me to be induced on the 22nd because I was over a week and they didn't want any complications.
However, Sharri was going to be out of town from the 23rd to the 28th and I was afraid she would miss the placement.
So we decided to extend our time with Lilly until the 29th.
We were pretty nervous to tell Kevin and Danya because we didn't want them to feel like we were backing out or anything, we just really wanted Sharri to be there.
We could tell they were hesitant and nervous about us pushing placement back, but we could also tell that they understood, they were just nervous about it, which I totally understood.
I was solid in my decision, though, and I knew that we were going to place with them.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Lake Tahoe

So with the excitement of the adoption story, I completely forgot about our Lake Tahoe trip! So here it goes:

So CJ and I were not allowed to go to Youth Conference this summer [okay, well he probably could have gone but he was amazing and stayed home with me since I couldn't go, and did not want to go to sweltering Utah being 6 months pregnant.] especially since it would have been a really fun one. Our stake was going up to Dixie College in St. George. They were going to all the historical landmarks, temple square, and doing baptisms for the dead at the Salt Lake City Temple. It was supposed to be our "big youth conference trip", so we were pretty bummed.
However, my Auntie Keiko [My Grandpa's
sister] asked
CJ and I if we wanted to go with her and her significant other, Lenny, to Lake Tahoe. We were so excited to go since neither of us had been and it was even the same week that youth conference was supposed to be. We packed up and were off!
It was a long drive, and it was super hot, but we stopped
numerous times to get ice cream! :]
The drive started getting awesome when we started seeing less desserty and more mountain, tree, stream-y. We even stopped t
o take p
ictures :]

We stayed in an awesome hotel with an even more awesome view of the lake.

The weather was super nice; warm, but not hot, and cool, but not cold. It was perfect.
We ended up staying in the hotel mostly, just playing in the arcade, swimming, and relaxing. One day though, we did go out to the lake and rode wave runners. That was a really neat experience since I've never ridden on one. I even got to drive it! :]]
The water was really really cold, so we went in fo
r about two seconds and that was it.
After we left Tahoe, we went out to Rio. However, leavi
ng Tahoe, we stopped to take more pictures. :]

We even ran into these cute little guys! :]]We didn't do too much in Rio since we had to leave early because Lenny wasn't feeling too well. We did catch Bodie on the way out, though.
Bodie is this little, old abandoned mining town from a super long time ago.
It's pretty well preserved and really not all that touristy. It was super cool to see all the buildings and what not still up.
We didn't go all the way through the town since it was hot and walking on bumpy dirt roads was not up there on my favorite things to do list, but I really really want to go back when the weather is nice to see the rest of the town.
[Factory in Bodie]
Our Tahoe trip was such a fun and well-needed vacation. It definitely set out what it was meant to do: let us relax and get away from everything for a little while, eat lots of good food, catch up on sleep, and most importantly, have fun. :]

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Minor Complications in the End.

As it was getting closer to my due date, I was getting a bit frustrated.
I was still only 1 cm dilated, and only 80% effaced.
The doctor suggested going on walks a lot, as that usually did the trick.
So my mom, CJ, and I went to Balboa Island and spent almost a whole day walking.
However, at my next doctors appointment, I was still only 1 cm, and I was less effaced. How could that even be possible???
And, worst of all, my blood pressure shot up, I had a lot of protein in my, sorry, but, urine, and, as a result, I was diagnosed with a mild case of toxemia. The only cure was birth, and if it got really bad, it could end up being really bad for me.
The doctor put me on a low-sodium diet, and said that I should rest a lot and if I got any really bad headaches that wouldn't go away, I needed to go to the hospital immediately.
Well, as if enough weren't going bad already, one night I did get a really bad headache. I ate, I took some tylenol, and nothing helped. I went to bed, and, in the morning, my headache was still present.
My mom called the doctor's office and was told to get me to the hospital.
Luckily, we had a bag packed just in case.
I was taken to a room and they immediately checked my blood pressure and did some blood tests.
When they were drawing blood though, the stupid nurse was too lazy to go get the right needle and tried to draw it with an IV needle, which is a heck of a lot bigger and hurts soo much more. After digging around in my arm for a while, she finally went and got the right needle. I think I still have a mark from it, though.
The blood pressure was still high, and my headache was still persistent, but my blood test came back well.
They gave me some super duper headache medicine and checked my blood pressure a few more times. It was really up and down, so they called my doctor and sent me home after about 7 hours being there.
The coolest part of being there, though, is that they had a heart beat thing on my stomach the whole time and we could hear Lilly's heartbeat. Definitely the best part of the day♥

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Angela&Connor Visit!

The few weeks previous to telling Danya and Kevin we were choosing them were pretty darn uneventful.
I think I got a cold, which pretty much sucks when your pregnant because you can seriously take nothing.
I got heartburn a lot too, which
also stinks.
But that, however was quickly solved with the wonder
ful and magical Pepid AC.
So, I was a pretty happy ca
I slept well, I ate well, I relaxed enough, I got enough exercise; I was happy.
I was also really really excited because my aunt and cousin were coming to visit from Dubai!
CJ hadn't seen Connor since he was little little, like 3 months old, so he was pretty excited too
We went to the airport to pick them up and were so excited when they finally arrived!
The next week was really fun. We went to the beach, the races, ate lots of food, and hung out.

The whole time we were there, Angela was totally convinced that I was going to have Lilly. Especially since we were out walking around a
lot. However, I didn't.
But CJ and I did learn one valuable thing: We were so not ready to be parents. Connor was almost two, and man was he a hand full!
He was all over the place all the time and he had so much energy. I was so tired out by the end of the week.
Here are a few photos of Connor and our week. :]

Telling Them.

So when we went to our meeting that Thursday with Sharri, we told her all about Kevin and Danya and how amazing they were and everything.
Then, she asked if we were picking them for sure.
Well, of course we were!! They were so awesome and such amazing people that it would have been impossible to find any better.
She then suggested that we call them or email them or whatever as soon as possible so they weren't waiting and waiting to find out if we had made a decision.
We wanted to send something cute in the mail, like flowers or candy or cookies or something like "Guess who's adopting a little girl!", but we were worried it would take way too long, and we didn't want to keep them on pins and needles.
Then, my mom suggested that I call them then.
Like, right then.
As in, during our meeting, right there.
What? Right now? What do I say?
I was so nervous because I didn't want to sound stupid.
Now that I think back on it, it was kind of stupid for me to be so nervous.
I knew I was probably going to forget everything I would plan to say, so I wrote it down.
It was something along the lines of "So we just wanted to let you know that we are picking you to adopt or daughter" or something like that.
The seventeen words that changed our lives.
Danya picked up and Kevin was at work, so I told her.
She sounded so excited, but at the same time kind of surprised.
I'm surprised I didn't cry.
I think right then was the first time I realized how happy I was making these people.
These amazing people who I barely knew, yet knew so well.
These people who I love so much and will love the rest of my life.
These people who would become my family.
These people who would be the parents of my little girl.
I realized how badly they wanted what I could have so easily.
I realized that they were my child's parents.
I realized how happy I was for them.
It was an awesome moment and I don't think I'll ever forget it.♥

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

When We First Met.

So Sharri said we could send them an email if we wanted to learn more about them or even meet them.
I was all over that idea!
She did make it clear, though, that, even if we weren't picking them for sure, we could still meet them and everything.
So that night I started to write the most important email in my life. Not to mention the hardest.
What do I say?
What's appropriate to say?
Do we send a picture?
What if they don't like us?
What if they've been chosen already?
I think I was surprised at some of the thoughts that ran through my head. I think I even thought, Do I tell them I'm pregnant?
But I think that shows just how nervous I was.
These people weren't just anyone.
They were the possible parents of my daughter.
This email HAD to be perfect!
I basically told them our ages, how far along I was[34 weeks(:], that I was having a girl, and that I loved their profile.
Even though I received an email only a day later, it seemed like eternity.
They said they lived in Hemet[which is only an hour and a half away!] and they would love to meet us or talk on the phone whenever we were ready.
Heck yes I was ready!
We emailed back and forth for a few days and set up a date to meet[which I think was July 19th, which was mine and CJ's 20 month anniversary(would it be anniversary? Oh well)(:]
We decided to meet at Red Robin, which was just down the street from Disneyland :], for dinner.
I decided to send them a picture of CJ and I so they would know what we looked like.
We arrived at our normal 30 minutes early since we were with my mom, so we pretty much waited in the car until CJ's mom, Tiffiny, got there and it was time to go in.
We brought pictures of CJ and I when we were babies, some pictures of family members, and some other things.
When it was finally time, I was so nervous.
We walked into Red Robin and sat for just a few minutes when they walked in.
I think my hands were shaking, and my palms were sweating. I could barely talk I was so nervous.
We were seated at a table and ordered some onion rings[the best onion rings ever might I add(:] and talked.
It was so great.
The conversation flowed and it seemed like everyone was having such a great time.
We ordered our food, talked some more, showed them the pictures, took some pictures, until it was time to leave.
I was kind of sad, but also excited because we were starting this amazing relationship with these two incredible people.
Before CJ, Tiffiny, my mom, and I left, the four of us decided to meet at Downtown Disney for a Chocolate Chip Cookie Sundae at ESPN zone, which is a huge chocochip cookie baked in a skillet with tons of ice cream&whipped cream piled on top. Its pretty dang close to heaven in a skillet.
We even found out a few weeks later that Danya and Kevin went to Downtown Disney the same night to get dessert!!
I litterally LOLed when I read it on facebook :]
It was an amazing night and I was so thankful that they were such amazing people.
One of the best nights of my life,

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Finding the Perfect Parents.

When we told Sharri that we had chosen adoption for our baby, she started sending me emails of couples that matched our criteria. We wanted someone who wasn't too far away[our limit was two hours drive time(:], a youngerish couple, we didn't mind if they already had kids[adopted or biological], we didn't care if they had pets, we wanted the mom to be able to stay home with the baby, and we most definitely wanted an open adoption. Like, as open as it could possibly be without being weird. I looked at all the couples Sharri sent us, but none of them.. clicked. I've heard stories where girls look at a profile and they know. They look and they just.. know automatically that those people are who are supposed to raise their child. I started getting so discouraged, and then I started to worry. What if that won't happen for me? What if I don't find a couple in time? But then Sharri started to tell us about a couple she was the caseworker for. She couldn't tell us their names for confidentiality reasons, since they weren't up on the website yet, but she described them to us. She said they lived in Laguna Beach and she was short and he was tall, like CJ and I, and they loved to surf, and they owned their own little surf shop down by the beach, and they just sounded really great. At this point, I wanted to hold out until they were available so I could pick them.
Sharri still sent me emails, though, and I still looked, but still, nothing. I was waiting for that moment, and it wasn't coming. Every time I typed in those names, I thought, "They could be the ones!" But still, nothing. Sharri usually sent me a few couples in one email with something like, here are some names for you to check out, but one day she sent an email with just one couple's names. She said they were highly recommended and they wanted an open adoption with a birth couple. I kind of got excited. Open adoption?!?! That's exactly what WE want! Birth couple?!? That's us! But when I went to type their names into the website, nothing came up. My hopes were crushed. Never mind, I guess they're not the ones.
When we went to our weekly Sharri meeting, almost the first thing she asked was if we saw the couple that was so highly recommended. I told her that I typed their names in about ten times, but they refused to come up. So then she suggested we see if it works on the office computer. So we went into the office, we brought up the website, and typed in their names. Instantly, their profile popped up. Their names were Danya and Kevin. They were a really cute couple, and so we started to read their story. Each of us read a paragraph and instantly, we knew. They were the ones. They have everything. They were looking for an open adoption! We read all their little fun facts. He was a Deputy Sheriff; CJ wanted to be a Deputy Sheriff! They liked camping and going shooting, they liked books and movies; WE liked those things!! They were a young couple![Okay, just in case you didn't know, I have this thing about old parents. I never ever ever want to be an old mom. Like if you have kids when your 35, You'll be 45 by the time they're ten!!! That's crazy!! Okay, yeah I'm weird.] They had the most adorable little dog!! They liked Disneyland and were pass holders, WE WERE PASS HOLDERS!!!!
Okay, I think you get the point. But really, they were absolutely perfect for us. They were almost like CJ and I, but just a few years later.
That night, the spirit was so overly in that room, testifying to us that we met our match[In a good way!] and that these were them. This was the couple.
I finally got my perfect moment where I knew.
I just knew.

Monday, January 3, 2011

A Decision.

So sometime between when we got home from Dubai and before school got out, CJ and I made a decision. We were going to keep, raise and be parents this precious little girl-to-be. We started looking a schooling programs, and found one called ACCESS. It was a homeschooling program through the county and one of their goals was to help teenage parents get an education. They would even come to your house and teach you there! It sounded like something we definitely wanted to do, and so I went to go talk to my counselor about it. She, however, was not so keen on the topic. She would rather I go into a program through our district called, the Teen Mom Program. It was just at Lincoln Education Center, just down the street from my house. Everyone at the school was a teen mom and you even brought your babies to school! However, you did have to put them in the school's daycare/nursery-type area, which I was not so hot about. I completely believe that if you have a child, you should be able to raise it. Meaning, not dropping them off at day care for the day. I know many many people do this and it works out for them, but I, personally, would not be comfortable with it. However, my counselor was almost ignoring me, or at least it felt like it, because all she was talking about was the stupid teen mom program, and wouldn't give me any information or anything on ACCESS, and to get into ACCESS, you had to be recruited by your counselor. I was so insanely bummed that she wasn't even hearing me out! I eventually just agreed to at least see the campus of Lincoln and to meet with the counselor there.
So one day after school, my mom took me over to Lincoln education center where we proceeded to get lost [where DON'T we get lost(;], but eventually found the main office. Everyone there was so nice and so helpful, but I just got the feeling that it wasn't right for me. Especially since they didn't offer a lot of the classes that I was to take the following year, such as pre-calculus and culinary arts. They said I could always walk across the street to Garden Grove High School, but I didn't feel so comfortable doing that either. Luckily, my mom didn't really like the idea of the program either. Like me, she rather I stay home with the baby. At that point, I would have rather dropped out all together and just have gotten my GED. I was so frustrated.
There were good things, though, that came with our decision. For example, one day, my mom took CJ and I to Barnes and Nobel to look a baby name books. Not to buy, just to look ;] We looked at so many names that it hurt our heads. We wanted a kind of unique name; one that you don't hear often. We came across a name we really liked: Chloe. However, the spelling was a bit too ordinary for us so we thought about Khloe. And then we saw it spelled like Cloe. But then we decided we liked the K better and finally decided on Kloe. It was perfect.
From then on, we called her Kloe Kumiko Teague, and we already loved her so insanely much.
We were also looking at furniture and what not, and we found a really awesome crib that we really liked, and it was such a good price! We decided that was the crib we wanted and CJ's mom took us to go get it.
After that, reality really set in. We had finally made a decision! A decision we were happy about. A decision we were excited about. And yet, I couldn't help but feel that something wasn't completely right. I shrugged the feeling off, telling my self i was just nervous. I only had a couple more months till she was here.
One night though, we arrived at our weekly Thursday meeting with Sharri, and my mom confessed that she just didn't think we were making the right decision for the baby. She didn't want to sit in the meeting, because she was just so overfilled with emotion that she needed time to herself.
That night made me so confused. I knew this was the right decision for me. For us. For her. And yet, I couldn't get rid of the feeling. That unsettled nagging that something was not right.
A while before that, Sharri gave each of us, CJ and I, a video. "Single and Pregnant. Your options." It was a church video and I kept forgetting to watch it. But that night, when I got home, I popped it in my DVD player. I watched the video, prayed, and bawled, because I finally knew. I knew that this baby was not meant to be with us. She was meant for bigger and better things. She deserved a Mom and a Dad. And, although CJ and I had a firm, strong relationship, we were not married. We didn't even live together. This baby girl deserved parents who were married. Married in the Temple. Sealed, for time and all eternity, who she could be sealed to as well. And, at that moment in time, I felt I would be a horrible mother to refuse her of that for my own selfishness.
As much as it hurt me, I knew that we were supposed to place her with an amazing family. And I was so happy that CJ felt the same way.
I knew it would be the hardest thing of my entire life, but I knew that as long as we had each other, we could get through it.
This would still make us the best parents ever.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Rest of School

So after we got back from Dubai, we still had roughly two months until school got out [which was the 23rd of June, which would put me at about 6 months pregnant]. To say I was dying of sleep deprivation was an understatement[ okay maybe I'm being a bit.. over the top? :P], but really I was TIRED! I was still waking up at 5 in the AM and going to seminary, and then straight to school. By the time I got home, which was usually about 4ish, sometimes later, all I wanted to do was sleep.
I was also worrying major supreme because I was starting to show a lot more. I was worried that people would start to notice, which they did, and start rumors and all that stuff. I was actually very blessed, however, because I had SO much support. Everyone was so overly nice. To my face. But if they were mean behind my back, well, at least I didn't hear it. I think only one person really said something mean about me, and she said it to one of my very best friends which was really really stupid of her because, of course she would tell me. I won't go into detail or give names, because that's just plain drama-causing immature. I refuse to be that way. I will say though, if more people had said what she had, people probably would've gotten punched right in the kisser. I was that mad. :]
Everyone else, however, was so very nice, like I said before. People constantly asked how I was, girls always asked if they could rub my belly [a bit strange, especially when I didn't know them(or they were flirting with CJ at the beginning of the year, even though they KNEW we were together -.-) but whatever(:], and I even got an adorable little hat that Nancy Martinez MADE for the baby! [Thanks Nancy!!! Love youuu!!! :D] My drama friends Katie Nugent&Amanda Nguyen thought I should name her after them! We decided on Kamanda. OH YEAH :] To say I had support was such an understatement. I was shown so much love during those few months and I am so very grateful for it. I'd just like to say thank you to every single person who was so nice to me and didn't judge. So THANK YOU!(:
And the one person who was not quite the nicest, I forgive you. I know you probably didn't mean for me to read that message, and you wouldn't have said it if you knew I was going to read it. But it is what it is, It didn't affect my decision at all, and even made me stronger. So in a way, thank you to you too, for making me the stronger person that I am now. I don't hate you and I'm not mad anymore(: