Monday, July 30, 2012


I figured I should post some pictures of the past two years! Our baby girl has grown so much! 

Halloween 2010
Halloween 2010

Christmas 2010

Lilly's Sealing
Lilly's First Birthday
Lilly's Blessing

Fourth of July 2010
Sandy Oreos! Yum!

Beach Day!

Sorry the formatting is so weird. The new blogger throws me off. :] 
Anyway, not that I'm biased or anything, but isn't Lilly just the CUTEST kid ever?!? ;]


Placement day was the hardest day of my life. Hands down. We weren't meeting until the afternoon, so we spent most of the day packing Lilly's things, crying, and spending as much time holding, kissing, and loving our baby girl while she was still ours. The day was so bittersweet. We met at the Family Services office in Fountain Valley. CJ and I decided we only wanted our mom's there with us. After all, the four of us had been through everything together, it was the four of us at meetings and groups, the four if us who read Danya and Kevin's profile together, the four of us who met them, and the four of us who were there when she was born.  We arrived an hour before Kevin and Danya so we could get all of our paperwork signed. The paperwork was really hard for me. Especially because every word had to be read aloud, luckily not by me or CJ though. But it was still hard relinquishing our rights and all. It made it feel all the more official. After all that was done, Jay and I had a few moments alone with Lilly. I remember us both crying so hard as we changed her diaper, the last time we would ever have to change her diaper. We met up with Danya and Kevin in the foyer, snapped a few pictures, and I placed my daughter in the arms of her mother. And then, after more pictures, and some goodbyes,Danya and Kevin drove away with Lilly, which I think was harder than actually handing her over to Danya, because I knew that they were really gone. Then, although it was a Sunday, we went to our favorite sushi restaurant to get our minds off everything. When Jay and I first told our moms I was pregnant, they wanted to meet up and talk about everything with us and they let me choose the restaurant and  Kaisen was my favorite and where I wanted to go. Even though I couldn't eat sushi. After we ate dinner, CJ and I went to Downtown Disney, a place we frequented when we first started dating and even during my pregnancy. I bawled when 8:42 rolled around and Lilly was officially a week old. Then, we both went home and it felt so weird that the swing with my baby wasn't next to my bed. I woke up a few times in the night to check on her, in only a week I had gotten so used to her schedule, but the wasn't there. For the first time in nine months, I was and felt so alone.
Although placement was really hard for me, I knew I had since the right thing for my daughter. Looking at her now, almost two years old, I can see how blessed all our lives have been through everything. Jay and I have gotten some amazing opportunities that would have been nearly impossible or even nonexistent had we not placed Lilly. It's awesome to see how smart Lilly is and how much she's growing and learning. It's also amazing to watch Kevin and Danya raise her and be parents, something I am so grateful to have been able to give to them. So no matter how sad I feel about placement and about "losing" (and I use that word oh so loosely, because we have gained so much more than lost) my daughter, I will never regret a single thing when it comes to her. I was so glad Heavenly Father gave me the opportunity to learn and grow and to bless someone else's life. I always joke around about how whenever, before Lilly, I was asked what my toughest challenge was in life or a struggle I'd had to overcome, I'd make up some dumb answer that made no sense, but now I have a legit answer that touched the heart. But at the same time, it's kind of true. I love my daughter and her family; our family. Placement is always seen as the end for a birthparent. The child is officially not yours, and, in some cases it is, but for us, out was only the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
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