A Decision.

So sometime between when we got home from Dubai and before school got out, CJ and I made a decision. We were going to keep, raise and be parents this precious little girl-to-be. We started looking a schooling programs, and found one called ACCESS. It was a homeschooling program through the county and one of their goals was to help teenage parents get an education. They would even come to your house and teach you there! It sounded like something we definitely wanted to do, and so I went to go talk to my counselor about it. She, however, was not so keen on the topic. She would rather I go into a program through our district called, the Teen Mom Program. It was just at Lincoln Education Center, just down the street from my house. Everyone at the school was a teen mom and you even brought your babies to school! However, you did have to put them in the school's daycare/nursery-type area, which I was not so hot about. I completely believe that if you have a child, you should be able to raise it. Meaning, not dropping them off at day care for the day. I know many many people do this and it works out for them, but I, personally, would not be comfortable with it. However, my counselor was almost ignoring me, or at least it felt like it, because all she was talking about was the stupid teen mom program, and wouldn't give me any information or anything on ACCESS, and to get into ACCESS, you had to be recruited by your counselor. I was so insanely bummed that she wasn't even hearing me out! I eventually just agreed to at least see the campus of Lincoln and to meet with the counselor there.
So one day after school, my mom took me over to Lincoln education center where we proceeded to get lost [where DON'T we get lost(;], but eventually found the main office. Everyone there was so nice and so helpful, but I just got the feeling that it wasn't right for me. Especially since they didn't offer a lot of the classes that I was to take the following year, such as pre-calculus and culinary arts. They said I could always walk across the street to Garden Grove High School, but I didn't feel so comfortable doing that either. Luckily, my mom didn't really like the idea of the program either. Like me, she rather I stay home with the baby. At that point, I would have rather dropped out all together and just have gotten my GED. I was so frustrated.
There were good things, though, that came with our decision. For example, one day, my mom took CJ and I to Barnes and Nobel to look a baby name books. Not to buy, just to look ;] We looked at so many names that it hurt our heads. We wanted a kind of unique name; one that you don't hear often. We came across a name we really liked: Chloe. However, the spelling was a bit too ordinary for us so we thought about Khloe. And then we saw it spelled like Cloe. But then we decided we liked the K better and finally decided on Kloe. It was perfect.
From then on, we called her Kloe Kumiko Teague, and we already loved her so insanely much.
We were also looking at furniture and what not, and we found a really awesome crib that we really liked, and it was such a good price! We decided that was the crib we wanted and CJ's mom took us to go get it.
After that, reality really set in. We had finally made a decision! A decision we were happy about. A decision we were excited about. And yet, I couldn't help but feel that something wasn't completely right. I shrugged the feeling off, telling my self i was just nervous. I only had a couple more months till she was here.
One night though, we arrived at our weekly Thursday meeting with Sharri, and my mom confessed that she just didn't think we were making the right decision for the baby. She didn't want to sit in the meeting, because she was just so overfilled with emotion that she needed time to herself.
That night made me so confused. I knew this was the right decision for me. For us. For her. And yet, I couldn't get rid of the feeling. That unsettled nagging that something was not right.
A while before that, Sharri gave each of us, CJ and I, a video. "Single and Pregnant. Your options." It was a church video and I kept forgetting to watch it. But that night, when I got home, I popped it in my DVD player. I watched the video, prayed, and bawled, because I finally knew. I knew that this baby was not meant to be with us. She was meant for bigger and better things. She deserved a Mom and a Dad. And, although CJ and I had a firm, strong relationship, we were not married. We didn't even live together. This baby girl deserved parents who were married. Married in the Temple. Sealed, for time and all eternity, who she could be sealed to as well. And, at that moment in time, I felt I would be a horrible mother to refuse her of that for my own selfishness.
As much as it hurt me, I knew that we were supposed to place her with an amazing family. And I was so happy that CJ felt the same way.
I knew it would be the hardest thing of my entire life, but I knew that as long as we had each other, we could get through it.
This would still make us the best parents ever.