Update on Life

Holy cow, it feels like it's been years since I've updated my blog! I guess it almost has been. I've been in Utah almost 2 years now! I'm going to be starting my junior year of college in about 20 days, which is crazy to me. I have been all over the place with my decision of a major. I was set on social work, switched to engineering, changed that to elementary education, hated the classes, discovered radiology, found out the U doesn't offer a radiology program, was going to transfer schools, decided against it because the U does offer Nuclear Medical Technology, but it is one of the hardest majors, the program only accepts 6 students a year! So, here I am. I am entertaining speech pathology at the moment. Also, Lilly update! Can you believe this kid is going to be 4?! Where did time go?? I've gotten the chance to see Kevin, Danya, and Lilly many times since I moved to Utah. Mostly when I can make it home for a trip. For my spring break trip, we met up at Disneyland. Such a blast and it melted my heart that Lilly wanted to sit with me on every ride. And both times I've seen her this year, she's screamed my name and run into my arms. Literally the best feeling in the world and I definitely had to fight back tears.What else is there to say?? My best friend, Morgan, got married in May! I was her maid of honor, which really was an honor! Planning weddings is crazy, but it was so worth it in the end. It really was a beautiful wedding. Not much else is happening in my life. I've moved a few times since I've been in Utah. After I lived in the dorms, I moved into a ghetto little basement apartment with my friend Clint for the summer. I also secretly loved that apartment. After that, Morgan and I moved into an apartment for a year. Lots and lots of memories there. Now I'm in a house with a couple of other girls up in the Avenues of Salt Lake and I absolutely love it! Also, I got a dog and he is incredible! I am an active lover of animals, my family had four dogs, so it was hard not having animals in my daily life. I was allowed to have a dog and so I rescued one. His name is Milo. He is a golden retriever pitbull mix. He is so well trained, hardly ever barks, and is the biggest sweetheart ever. We go hiking and for runs as much as possible. When I went to California a couple weeks ago, I took him with me and he LOVED the beach! It was awesome watching him run free in the sand and water. He also loves the backyard at our house. Lots of times when I can't find him, I look out the window and see him just chilling in the grass. It's adorable. Other than that, I stay pretty busy with work, I'm working a full and part time job right now, and will just be crazy busy once fall semester starts. I squeeze in some dates and hang out with friends when I can, but other than that, my life is pretty boring. I'm the typical working, Netflix-watching college student. 

 So, with that, I bid you adieu, and leave you with some of my favorite pictures from the past couple of years! 

Hope you enjoyed! I will try to update this thing more often! Haha :)

♥Natalie

It's Been Forever!

The last time I posted here was just a week into my first semester. Now I'm starting my fourth week of my second and, let me tell you, it has been an adventure already! Am I as crazy enthusiastic about college as I was before? No. Sorry, but no. Haha. I do love it, but not as much. Classes and work are kicking my butt! I am honestly so drained! It probably doesn't help that I stay up way too late and have to wake up early either. I am having fun still. I've met some awesome people and definitely some life long friends. And right now is so awesome because I have a whole triple room to myself! Not that I didn't love my roommate before, but it really is nice to have a place to my own where I can be alone and do my own thing. Man, so much happened in my first semester, I don't even know where to start. I went to my first midnight video game release (and another.. and another.. and another.. Haha, thanks Clint and Trevor!), random, but fun! I went to a frat party and a few clubs, which was fun. Uncomfortable at times, but still fun. I went to an awesome concert and discovered tons of amazing new music. I discovered some AMAZING places to eat in SLC, including Bruges Waffles which has incredible liege waffles and frites (double fried fries- YUM!), Ruby Snap cookies, and Cafe Zupas, where I work and which is pretty cool, but it still seems like we most frequent McDonalds and Taco Bell- shame on us! It's actually not been oh so eventful. We did some fun stuff, lots of work, I went home, and then came back. I have sort of redecided on a major- Mechanical Engineering! I know, I know, I said I'd never ever do engineering because it's too much math, BUT I feel like it's something I would really enjoy as a career, even if it is a lot of math. I know I can do it and I know it will be worth it! We'll see if I commit and stick with it! I miss my family like crazy and being away from them has made me realize how much I appreciate them. I don't really have anything else that has happened. I live a semi boring life, but I really do love it. :)

One Week Down!

With my last post talking about how I was starting college soon, I figure I should update it since I've now been a college student for a week. And this is the short way to say how I feel... 

I LOVE COLLEGE! 

It's amazing how much freedom you have in college. It's definitely been hard living on my own, but it's made it better that I have awesome roommates and neighbors. They are the best! My classes haven't been too bad yet, although I was a bit overwhelmed my first few days and especially in my first lecture. 

I feel like in the one week that I've been living in Utah, I've done more than I have in my entire life. I've learned how to slackline (if you don't know what this is, look it up on youtube, it is seriously so much fun!) and rock climb and I've been running and doing pilates and hiking! I feel so active! I never would have imagined myself being where I am now. Everyone who knows me knows I am pretty lazy, so this is probably a shock to you all! It is so much fun and I just feel so much better now! 
The only downside to living in Utah is that Danya, Kevin, and Lilly are in California. :[ If you read my story, you'll know that one of the main reasons I chose them was because I could go visit in one day. Being close was something that was really important to me. However, thanks to the modern marvels of technology, we can still see them in one day without either of us leaving our houses! Skype is so much fun! I was kinda bummed when I realized I wouldn't be able to make it to Lilly's second birthday party, but it was really awesome of Danya and Kevin to Skype CJ and I during the party so we could see Lilly loving her party!
I am so grateful for all the opportunities I've been given and all the people I've met here in Utah. I feel so blessed to have my Grandparents so close as well. I have made friends that I already know will last a lifetime and I am now even more excited for what the future has in store for me!♥

College is Coming Up!

With less than two weeks before I leave to be all alone in Utah for college, I figured I would throw out some things I'm feeling about this whole college thing. 

Excited

I'm so excited! I can't wait to be independent and meet new people. It will be so amazing, this new chapter of my life. I can't wait to have roommates that will hopefully be my friends throughout this year and more to come. I'm excited to learn and to grow and to be myself. I'm excited for the "college experience" (Mormon-edition ;]). I'm excited for my future to begin. For everything I've done for my daughter to pay off for me; not that it hasn't yet, but college was one of the main reasons I placed her. I wanted to be able to have a college education, something that may not have happened had I decided to parent.

Nervous

I'm nervous for all the same reasons I'm excited. I'm nervous I won't make friends and I'll be that lone. loser. I'm nervous I'll fail all my classes. I'm nervous I won't be able to manage my time or study effectively. I'm nervous I'll never figure out what I want to do, I'll never decide on my major. I'm nervous that I'll gain 15 pounds (or more!), when really, I need to loose about that much to be at my pre-baby weight (boo! haha). I'm nervous to be independent and all alone with my best friend two hours away, my other all the way across the country, and my mom two states away. The longest I've been away from my mom is two weeks. I'm scared to be away from her. I'll have my grandparents, but they aren't the same as my mom. 

Frustrated

I'm so ridiculously frustrated with the U right now. I'm not feeling like elaborating, but I'm pretty much asking questions and getting wishy-washy and inconsistent answers. Answers that I need because I need to know exactly how much college is going to cost me this year and if it's not all covered under my financial aid, I need to take out loans, which I'm more than willing to do, but I need to know. And right now, I'm not getting the answers I need so I can be productive in paying for college. It makes me want to scream!!! I hate relying and waiting on other people. But, I'm trying to be patient.

That's about all I can think of at the moment. But I do want to say that, no matter how frustrated I am with the U right now, I know it's the place for me. While in Utah early July, I had to go to Weber to get some papers. It was weird being there. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I felt lost and confused and unwelcome. No one said a word to me and it was just.. uncomfortable and, despite the 100-degree weather, cold. When I went to the U, although it's not BYU or SVU, not church related, I felt the spirit so strong. My prayers and worries and concerns were answered and addressed. This is the place for me. This is where I belong. I felt it and I knew it. Though I'd never even seen the campus, it was so familiar and so comfortable. 

It was love♥

Pictures!

I figured I should post some pictures of the past two years! Our baby girl has grown so much! 

Halloween 2010

Halloween 2010

Christmas 2010

Lilly's Sealing

Lilly's First Birthday

Lilly's Blessing

Fourth of July 2010

Sandy Oreos! Yum!

Beach Day!

Sorry the formatting is so weird. The new blogger throws me off. :] 

Anyway, not that I'm biased or anything, but isn't Lilly just the CUTEST kid ever?!? ;]

Placement.

Placement day was the hardest day of my life. Hands down. We weren't meeting until the afternoon, so we spent most of the day packing Lilly's things, crying, and spending as much time holding, kissing, and loving our baby girl while she was still ours. The day was so bittersweet. We met at the Family Services office in Fountain Valley. CJ and I decided we only wanted our mom's there with us. After all, the four of us had been through everything together, it was the four of us at meetings and groups, the four if us who read Danya and Kevin's profile together, the four of us who met them, and the four of us who were there when she was born.  We arrived an hour before Kevin and Danya so we could get all of our paperwork signed. The paperwork was really hard for me. Especially because every word had to be read aloud, luckily not by me or CJ though. But it was still hard relinquishing our rights and all. It made it feel all the more official. After all that was done, Jay and I had a few moments alone with Lilly. I remember us both crying so hard as we changed her diaper, the last time we would ever have to change her diaper. We met up with Danya and Kevin in the foyer, snapped a few pictures, and I placed my daughter in the arms of her mother. And then, after more pictures, and some goodbyes,Danya and Kevin drove away with Lilly, which I think was harder than actually handing her over to Danya, because I knew that they were really gone. Then, although it was a Sunday, we went to our favorite sushi restaurant to get our minds off everything. When Jay and I first told our moms I was pregnant, they wanted to meet up and talk about everything with us and they let me choose the restaurant and  Kaisen was my favorite and where I wanted to go. Even though I couldn't eat sushi. After we ate dinner, CJ and I went to Downtown Disney, a place we frequented when we first started dating and even during my pregnancy. I bawled when 8:42 rolled around and Lilly was officially a week old. Then, we both went home and it felt so weird that the swing with my baby wasn't next to my bed. I woke up a few times in the night to check on her, in only a week I had gotten so used to her schedule, but the wasn't there. For the first time in nine months, I was and felt so alone.
Although placement was really hard for me, I knew I had since the right thing for my daughter. Looking at her now, almost two years old, I can see how blessed all our lives have been through everything. Jay and I have gotten some amazing opportunities that would have been nearly impossible or even nonexistent had we not placed Lilly. It's awesome to see how smart Lilly is and how much she's growing and learning. It's also amazing to watch Kevin and Danya raise her and be parents, something I am so grateful to have been able to give to them. So no matter how sad I feel about placement and about "losing" (and I use that word oh so loosely, because we have gained so much more than lost) my daughter, I will never regret a single thing when it comes to her. I was so glad Heavenly Father gave me the opportunity to learn and grow and to bless someone else's life. I always joke around about how whenever, before Lilly, I was asked what my toughest challenge was in life or a struggle I'd had to overcome, I'd make up some dumb answer that made no sense, but now I have a legit answer that touched the heart. But at the same time, it's kind of true. I love my daughter and her family; our family. Placement is always seen as the end for a birthparent. The child is officially not yours, and, in some cases it is, but for us, out was only the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

August 25th&26th, 2010.

The 25th of August is my brother Scotty's birthday. He really enjoyed getting to spend it with his niece. I, however, had a really really tough Wednesday. I'm not sure if it was the hormones that just come with having a baby or the fact that I was getting pretty attached to Lilly, but I just could not keep it together. I was totally bawling all day. My mom was really worried because she thought I was changing my mind about placing. She called Sharri and talked to her and they said if I wanted to, we could just have placement the next day, when Kevin and Danya were planning on visiting any way. But that wasn't it at all. I wasn't changing my mind. I was just really really really emotional. I just needed to hold Lilly and be alone for a little bit. After a while, I was totally fine. I'm still not sure why I was so upset that day, my best guess is a combination of our situation and the hormones, but I got over it and then got excited for Kevin and Danya to come over the next day to see Lilly.
We planned out them coming to see us and Lilly during the week we had her so they knew we weren't changing our minds about placing.
They were soo sweet and brought us lunch from yummy yummy In 'N Out Burger. We chatted and Danya even brought me the last book in the Hunger Games trilogy which had just come out.
It was such a great visit for all of us. I think both sides really needed the closure and reassurance from one another that this was still happening and was going to work out wonderfully.♥

August 24th, 2010.

On this glorious Tuesday morning, we got to bring our little Lilly home!!
However, CJ also had his senior pictures. So his mom came and picked him up and my mom came to help get everything all packed up. I changed Lilly in her cute little panda outfit that CJ and I picked out to take her home in, got changed myself, got all my stuff together, and told the hospital staff we were more than ready to leave. The only thing was, the old man would not let me walk. He insisted that I HAD to ride in the wheelchair. If you know me, you know I am pretty dang independent. I like to do things that I am perfectly capable of doing myself, by myself. But the old man would not give up, so I finally gave in and rode in his stupid wheelchair. But I didn't like it.
Anyway, we got home and settled in, ate some lunch, CJ came over. It was a really nice, relaxing day. It was so nice to finally be home.
That night, Lilly slept so insanely well it was ridiculous. Where was this baby who cried and cried and refused to sleep unless you held her? She was sound asleep in her swing. She only woke up once, maybe twice to eat and after she was done, she was done and was asleep faster than I was.
It was such a perfect day.♥

Delivery Room.

I wanted to write this post to touch on a subject I realized I didn't touch on in my August 22nd post. The delivery room.
It took me a while to figure out who I wanted in the delivery room with me. Obviously, I wanted CJ there. He was(and still is) my boyfriend and Lilly's birth father, so that was a given. I also wanted my mom there because, well, she's my mom. She was there for me at every doctors appointment and every step of the way and I wanted her there until the very end.
For a while, they were the only two who I wanted there. Until I talked to CJ about it and he expressed his mom's desire to be there as well. I immediately felt so awful that I hadn't even thought of including Tiffiny in the delivery room. She's always been so awesome towards me and there for me. She was almost like a second mom. Of course I had to include Tiffiny!
But then, when we chose to place, things got a bit more tricky. I had heard those stories of the couple being in the room during the delivery, the adoptive mom having the chest to chest time with the baby, the adoptive dad cutting the umbilical cord; really letting them have the whole experience. As much as I wanted them to have it, I wanted that too. I wanted CJ to be able to cut the umbilical cord, and I knew he wanted to as well, I wanted that chest to chest time with my baby while she was still mine. As much as I loved Kevin and Danya so much already, truth was, I had only met them once. I just felt it would be a little awkward to have them in there for all of that. I knew in my heart I was placing with them. She was their daughter. I just wanted that time to myself and my family.
So it was the four of us in the delivery room that day; me, CJ, my mom, and Tiffiny. We kept Danya and Kevin posted all day with texts. Whenever we were told something, we told them.
All in all, everything worked out really. I don't think their feelings were too hurt (at least I hope not) and we got our time with Lilly.♥

August 23, 2010

The first night was rough.
Lilly did NOT like the bassinet at the hospital at all and pretty much refused to sleep in it.
I couldn't exactly walk yet either because of the numbness and the pain and CJ sleeps through pretty much anything. Including Lilly's cries.
I was so tired so the night was pretty much a haze. I think at one point the nurses took her to the nursery so we could get some sleep, which we gladly did.
Feeding her was an awful experience. I wanted to try and breast feed for the week we had her because it's just better for the baby. However, she had much difficulty latching and the nurse suggested bringing a lactation consultant in, but I didn't want to cause that much trouble. I also had heard of babies who got confused with the bottle and the breast and sometimes refused the bottle and I didn't want to make it harder for Danya, Kevin, and Lilly, so we eventually just gave her a bottle.
The next morning, my mom, my brother, and my grandparents came to see and meet Lilly.
Some of CJ's family came as well, including his sisters Vicky and Penny, and his mom.
Our case worker, Sharri, even got to come and see Miss Lilly while we were still in the hospital. She and her family were going up to Utah and stopped on their way out so Sharri could come see Lilly. It was a short visit, but we were glad she was able to come, and I'm pretty sure she was too.
Then, around lunch time, Danya and Kevin came to meet their daughter. When they walked in, CJ's sister, Penny, was holding Lilly. As Penny handed Lilly to Danya, the spirit was so strong. For the first time all day, I was so comfortable in that ugly little uncomfortable hospital room. Danya started to tear up, and while we all held back rolling tears, there was not a single dry eye in that room. We all knew that these were the parents of our little girl. Time passed quickly as we chatted, ooh'ed, ahh'ed, and giggled over Lilly, and taught Kevin how to change a diaper. All too soon, it was time for them to leave. And after they did, everyone else did, leaving CJ and I alone. We talked about how perfect it was seeing them with her and how even though we knew biologically she was ours, she didn't feel like ours. And she wasn't. At the end of Juno (my favorite movie of all time), Juno says something like, "He was always hers." And that is exactly how we felt. She was always meant to be their daughter. Heavenly Father knew that and he gave us the strength to recognize that she was not ours. That is one blessing I will never ever forget.
Our little moment was interrupted by the birth certificate lady, another moment I will never forget. She came in and got our names, but when she asked, "Baby's last name will be the father's, correct?" Incorrect. The baby's last name is Lynd. L-y-n-d. Lynd. I have never before seen a more confused look. She double checked that she had heard our last names correctly, that she wasn't missing anything. We then put her confusion to an end by telling her we were placing our daughter for adoption and that was their last name. I still don't think she totally understood, but she took that for an acceptable answer, typed the name, and was gone.
That night, CJ and I got the special "romantic, new parents dinner" that is complementary with a private room, which was courtesy of those wonderful people at LDS family services. It was about as romantic as you could get with the ugliest room ever, the most disgusting food ever, and poor crying Lilly. Which is not very if you couldn't tell. But that was fine. After everything that had happened, we really didn't need romantic. It was nice though, to sit and talk and have dinner with my most favorite man ever.
I don't remember much about the night, sleep-wise, other than it sucked. But it would soon be better since we got to go home the next day!♥